Sexuality and attraction

Life is a journey of self-discovery. Over the years I've looked to the corners of the earth to find out more about myself. I've found that it's difficult to place a definitive label on one's self. We often get caught up in types: we're either "this type" or "that type," but I've found that not everything is so clear-cut. Our world is neither black nor white, but rather a myriad of colors, shades, and hues.

I've found that this truth applies to many aspects of my own life. I've often tried to define myself in terms of my sexuality, attraction, and romantic ideas, but I've found that I'm not just one "thing" or one "way." Any psychologist will tell you that sexuality and attraction are complicated matters. The Kinsey scale attempts to measure one's sexuality in a number system: 0 is exclusively heterosexual, and 6 is exclusively homosexual, with room in between for variation. I am definitely somewhere "in between," but I don't consider myself bisexual. Bisexual refers to sexual attraction to both sexes, but for me that is not entirely the case.

Sexual orientation refers to the direction of one's sexual attraction. The term is often misleading to some, as "sex" is used as the basis for attraction according to this defintion. An alternative term is "affectional orientation," which is, according to the Wikipedia defintion, "based on the perspective that one's orientation is not limited to sexuality but also to one's affectionality. To holders of this view, one's orientation is defined by whom one is predisposed to fall in love with, sexual attraction being only a part of a larger dynamic." In other words, attraction is more than sexual. I find myself attracted to a variety of people for a variety of reasons, regardless of their sex or gender. I am indeed attracted to both men and women, but I am attracted to them for different reasons.

It is hard to define, but I think that my attraction to men is mostly sexual and romantic, while my attraction to women is more of a reverence, respect, and a more aesthetic attraction. Probably the best way to describe it would be to say that my attraction to men is mostly physical, while my attraction to women is mostly spiritual, although the reverse is also true. I am emotionally and romantically attractioned to both men and women, and even to people whose sex or gender is not clearly defined as "male" or "female" in the biological or social senses.

I usually use the term "gay" to describe myself, as it is the most simple, but it is not totally accurate. Gay, or homosexual, in the most generic definition of the word, refers to sexual attraction to members of the same sex. Homophile is a term that is uncommon, but is sometimes preferred by certain individuals because it emphasizes love over sex. An androphile is someone, regardless of sex or gender, who is attracted to adult males. Attraction to adult females is known as gynephilia.

According to Wikipedia, pansexuality (sometimes referred to as omnisexuality) is defined as "a sexual orientation characterized by the potential for aesthetic attraction, romantic love and/or sexual desire for people, regardless of their gender identity or biological sex. This includes potential attraction to people who do not fit into the gender binary of male/female implied by bisexual attraction. Pansexuality is sometimes described as the capacity to love a person romantically irrespective of gender. Some pansexuals also assert that gender and sex are meaningless to them." I like the term pansexual for myself, but as it literally implies "sexual attraction to all," a more appropriate term for myself would be "omniphile," meaning "loving all."

My sex and gender have never been questioned. I have always identified as male. I have never had any desire to become a woman. Physically and psychologically I have always been male. Gender, sex, attraction, and orientation are not the same things.

We are often told that men have a "feminine side" and women have a "masculine side," and this is true. In the spiritual sense, I believe that all people are a composition of male and female energies, regardless of their biological or physical sex. As we are a product of the union of a male and female, we contain aspects of both our father and our mother. The Native American term "Two-Spirit" describes a masculine spirit and a feminine spirit living in the same body. It is known by different terms in different cultures. However, it is not to be confused with the terms transsexual or transgender. A Two-Spirit can be heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, asexual, pansexual, male, female, intersexed, transsexual, transgender, etc. It is simply a person who is a combination of masculine and feminine energies, regardless of definitions of gender, sexuality, or attraction.

A more scientific approach might be to explain it on a hormonal level. My grandmother once said to me, "It is my opinion that we are all born with both male and female hormones. Females have more of the female hormones. Males have more of the male hormones. Homosexuals are born with a balanced mix... somewhere in the middle. This is just a unique thing and is not a disease or a mental problem. It just is. People are people and bring their own uniqueness to the world. We should appreciate every one we meet. They add to the interest of life." Truer words were never spoken.

It is great to be familiar with all of this terminology, as it allows me some sense of identity. Although there are many labels I could place on myself, I find that labels are too sticky. Labels are made for envelopes and documents, not people. I think the best thing to call myself is "Anthony," because that is who I am, period.

Other references:
http://www.androphile.org/
http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/2553.html